No one ever tells the truth when it comes to medical things, do they? I for one am sick of Positive Polly everywhere making out that this journey is a walk in the park because let me tell you it’s not!
I haven’t wrote in a while because I have been really struggling the past month or so. I completely underestimated the toll this would take on my body and my mind. I am mentally and physically exhausted – all the good G time!
You are probably reading this thinking “jeez girl, stop complaining, its only going to get worse” but once it gets worse, it gets better, because I will have gone through all of this for something and someone.
I started the injections a few weeks ago because the nasal spray didn’t work. The injections are the exact same medication they just go straight in to my blood stream to be absorbed. I started on two daily for two weeks and went back up for a scan – GOOD NEWS the injections worked and we were able to start the next injection. Still the same two a day but with two different hormones and a bigger needle!!
The injections started off not too bad, once I got over the natural urge of not wanting to stab myself, it was fine. I remembered to administer every single one and was committed to the time schedule (8am & 8pm) and I would inject them in to my tummy just on the same band as your belly button – a tad nippy but not awful. That said my skin started to get sore and I came up in bruises – no one warned me about that. Probably a very obvious fact that I just hadn’t worked out for myself… nether the less no warnings!
Anyway, I continued this until today when I went back for a check up scan. This scan was to see how many follicles my ovaries had grown and if we were cooking up some good sized eggs. Unfortunately the injections aren’t over yet as I haven’t grown enough follicles to allow us to take the next step. I have been asked to keep going with the injections and go back up on Sunday for another scan. Hopefully this scan will show more of what they are looking for and allow us to move forward again.
The hormones have not been fun and I have been fighting a good fight but they win sometimes (most of the time). I cry A LOT and I am angry more than I have ever been. Hangry doesn’t even cover the level of anger I feel day to day. I then get angry at myself for being angry at nothing. The cycle never stops. I am drained by 6pm every night and I find it so difficult to get up in the morning because my body feels like lead.
I feel like I have went in to this slightly blind. Don’t get me wrong I have been given all the facts, figures, expectations etc. etc. However, no one told me how I would feel or how I might react to the medication or the journey itself. It has been hard and I have no doubts there will be more hurdles in the next couple of weeks.
I fully appreciate assisted conception and maternity staff need to be positive because they know the journey isn’t easy and it doesn’t always go to plan but I am the type of person who likes to prepare for the worst of things. My favourite saying literally is “prepare for the worst, anything else is a bonus” not exactly inspirational but it works for me!
I sound like I am moaning and being a Negative Nelly – I am. Although I am, I also am very grateful and amazed that we have this kind of opportunity. Without IVF we would have no chance at all to have a baby naturally. Medicine really is amazing and all the hard work, dedication and research that goes in to IVF is beyond my knowledge capabilities and I am so very thankful that there are people who dedicate their lives to help others create life itself – it’s awe-inspiring.
My final note on this topic is this journey is the hardest journey I have ever embarked on and I gravely underestimated the pressure I would put on not only my body but my mind. I could not and would not be able to push through each day without Fraser. He has been unbelievably patient with my mood swings and general grumpiness; kept me calm when I have been sobbing because I was hungry or tired; attended every appointment to hold my hand and comforted me when it hasn’t gone to plan; and shown me unconditional love like every other normal day.
It has not been easy so far but I’ll be damned if I give up without getting a cute baby bump – I have outfits planned!